IDLE THOUGHTS OF A WRITER

 Have you ever wondered why some people become writers? I do constantly. It’s an occupation which offers most of those who do it no or little reward for hours and hours of work and yet, I and thousands of people like me get up every day and type long lines of words on a blank computer screen. I got up today at 5.30 am because I couldn't sleep. I write in my head most of the time and sometimes the words have to be written down before I forget them so I am forced to get up, totally exhausted, before they disappear.

Here’s how I imagine an interview with an alien reporter would go like. [ A  reporter who's been asked by the Intergalactic Council to research occupations on Planet Earth.]

Alien Reporter: So, what work do you do?

Me: I write.

A.R. Write what?

Me: Words.

A.R. That is not very helpful, is it? The Intergalactic Council is not interested in vague statements, but specific details to help us with our mission.

Me: I write stories and novels and screenplays and poems.

A.R. And how many hours a day do you spend on this futile occupation?

Me: It varies. Sometimes about 4 hours a day and sometimes-

A.R. And how much money do you earn doing this strange occupation?

Me: That’s a very personal question.

A.R. That is what I have been asked to ask by the Council. How much?

Me: Not a lot.

A.R. How much?

Me: (mumbling) about £3,000 if I’m lucky.

A.R. And that is enough for everything a human needs for a month?

Me: A year.

A.R.  That answer will surprise the Council. I have been given misinformation by another human being. He said humans needed at least £10,000 a month to live well.

Me: (very surprised) £10,000!  Was he a banker?

A.R. (very surprised) I did not know that some of you were clairvoyant.

Me: I didn’t know that bankers could live on so little.

A.R. Is that an example of a human joke?

Me: No.

And so the interview rambles on until I see what the alien sees: a person who is totally barking/off her trolley/ mad as a hatter/.   Choose which ever words please you most.  

Of do you become nuts because you write? It’s a pithy question which if solved could half the rates in psychiatric wards and save the NHS a small fortune.